Parental burnout and the quest for good enough

When we think of burnout we usually think about it in terms of our jobs, or maybe in terms of life in general.  Parental burnout is a beast of its own kind, however, and right now, with parenting truly happening all the time, the likelihood of parental burnout may be higher than usual.

So, what is parental burnout?

Parental burnout has been described as a persistent feeling of physical and emotional exhaustion in relation to one’s role as a parent and with parenting tasks. Parents experiencing parental burnout feel a sense of incompetency - again, in relation to the parenting role and with parenting tasks.  These two sensations – the exhaustion and the feeling that you’re no good at what you’re doing as a parent – can lead to parents unconsciously placing emotional distance between themselves and their children.  Burnt out parents will continue to provide practical, task-oriented care for their children.  Where the burnout shows up, though, is in their emotional involvement:  how sensitive and responsive they are to their kids, as opposed to a more mechanical, almost auto-pilot type of interacting with their children.

One quality that burnt out parents may have in common is a core anxiety that they are not good enough parents.  Burnt-out parents put an immense amount of pressure on themselves and strive for perfectionism.  They feel a clear sense of responsibility for ensuring a particular type of future for their children.  The bar that many burnt-out parents have set for themselves is impossibly high – so high that they are inevitably bound to let themselves down, thereby reinforcing their perception of themselves as failing in some way, as not good enough.

Whether you’re seeing a bit of yourself here or you think you might be approaching a state of full-on parental burnout, please know this:  you can shift gears.

Look.  Parenting is hard work, made even harder when there are multiple children, and jobs, and any number of other complicating factors (aging/ill parents of your own, financial strain, marital difficulties, a pandemic… you name it).  I’m definitely not trying to sell a version of life where parenting is effortless.  It is the hardest thing I do each day, hands down.  But the research on parenting is clear:  there are ways to raise kids into happy, self-assured, well-adjusted adults that don’t require a long-term state of parental burnout.  In fact, these approaches to the parenting role are in many ways an antidote to parental burnout altogether.

Model what it looks like to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and to keep on going.

One of the hallmarks of parental burnout is parental perfectionism.  The intention, of course, is to be the best parent you can possibly be for your kids.  The reality, though, is that what might be getting modeled for kids in the process is intolerance of imperfection.  None of us want to raise kids who put that kind of pressure on themselves.  Perfectionism in kids has been associated with a host of mental health concerns, like anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self-harming behaviors, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

So, go ahead and make some mistakes, and rather than beating yourself up about it, turn it a teaching moment for your kids.  Show them what it looks like to take responsibility, to make amends, to learn something from the mistake, and then – importantly – to move on.  This is good for all kids to see.  This is especially good for kids who suffer from anxiety, particularly anxiety that is characterized by perfectionism.  By making mistakes – by being imperfect – you are showing your anxious child that we are all imperfect, that we all make mistakes, and that it’s okay:  there’s a way to do it, to learn from it, and to keep on going.

Model what it looks like to ask for what you need.

Asking for help effectively is harder than it sounds, so modeling it for kids may be harder than it sounds, too.  But especially for parents who are either already burnt out or on their way there, this is a skill you’ll want to nail down and then teach to your kids.  Asking for help has nothing to do with weakness.  It has nothing to do with failure.  When we ask for help, we are ensuring that we get what we need.  It’s self-advocacy.  And when we show kids how to effectively ask for what they need, we’re setting them up to be good citizens in this world:  to help others, whose voices may often go unheard, to get what they need, too.

If you’re starting to feel like you could use a hand, see it as an opportunity to model asking for help.  You’ll be teaching your kids some frustration tolerance, too, because you’re not asking for help at the very first sign of struggle. You'll ask for help when you start to feel like you’re hitting a wall.  Model for your kids the idea that you don’t have to endure hours, days, weeks, or months of unnecessary suffering.  When you ask for help, especially when you ask for help from your kids, you’re giving your kids the opportunity to be helpful which, when recognized, can serve as a huge esteem booster for kids.  Win-win.

Model what it looks like to be kind to yourself.

For perfectionists, this one is hard. It’s often referred to as self-compassion, a practice that has been linked to reductions in anxiety and depression, greater well-being, and enhanced coping skills. Essentially, what we’re talking about is a variation on the Golden Rule, where you “Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.”

What would you say to a friend if they were to come to you feeling exhausted by all they are trying to accomplish as a parent, or if they told you of the immense pressure they were putting on themselves as parents to be a particular way, or to secure a particular type of future for their child?

What would you say to a friend if they told you this, and told you they felt like their relationship with their child was starting to suffer because they just don’t have the bandwidth to be as emotionally responsive as they could be?

You would help your friend identify what she’s feeling, and you would validate those feelings.

You would listen to her.

You’d let her express her experience without judgment.

You’d offer comfort.

You’d help her figure out some way to ease the burden.

Unfortunately, we don’t often treat ourselves with that same basic kindness, even when – especially when – we find ourselves in that same exhausted, self-doubting, emotionally strapped place.  It’s a vital part of self-care, though, and it’s front-and-center in the fight against parental burnout.  It’s also a critical skill to teach kids.  When kids have this skill – when they can be kind to themselves – they feel a greater sense of self-worth.  They are more resilient.  They can cope better when tough stuff comes their way.  But they need someone to show them how it’s done.

If you’re already feeling parental burnout – or if you think you’re on your way there – help is available.  You can contact me for an initial consultation, or check here for other licensed clinicians in your area.