Spotlight on Anxiety, Kids Edition: Managing Mr. Green Face

Kids who worry a lot tend to feel powerless over the worries that enter their minds and often won’t go away.  They – and you, their parent – will go to great lengths to try and get their worries to go away.  You might try love, or logic, or avoiding altogether situations that might bring on the worries.  But for kids who worry a lot, there is often no amount of reassurance, or love, or logic, or avoidance that will effectively keep their worries at bay.

Good news:  there are a number of strategies that have actually proven to be successful at helping kids who worry too much worry a whole lot less. One of those strategies is known as “externalization.” It’s the idea of seeing anxiety or worry as something that is separate from who kids are at their core.  When kids externalize their worry, they give it a shape or form – some way to visualize the worry as an unwanted visitor in their minds that, let’s face it, needs a good talking to.

For example, a child might decide that their unwanted visitor takes the shape of this guy featured toward the top of this post.  Let’s call him Mr. Green Face.  He’s a little scary (but not too scary).  He looks like the kind of visitor that might make some trouble, a visitor who might talk too loud, or stir up some trouble, or stay past his welcome.  Mr. Green Face might try to keep sneaking back in, even after he’s been told that it’s time to go.  With “externalization,” kids learn how to talk to Mr. Green Face so that Mr. Green Face knows who’s really in charge here:  not him!

At his heart, Mr. Green Face may not be trying to hurt anyone.  Mr. Green Face might just be scared and wants to make sure he has your child’s attention.  But what Mr. Green Face does to get your child’s attention isn’t always so cool.  Mr. Green Face has a habit of exaggerating – even lying – about things that could go wrong.  Mr. Green Face loves to talk about worst-case scenarios in order to get your child’s attention, even if the likelihood of that worst-case scenario is very, very low.  Mr. Green Face has learned that if he makes a lot of noise, and keeps the noise up, and says lots of scary things, that he’ll get the attention he’s looking for.

So what’s a kid to do when faced with their own Mr. Green Face, who is chattering on and on about all the bad things that could happen?  Well, sometimes, creatures like Mr. Green Face just need to be told to STOP.  They need to be told, “Enough is enough!”  Mr. Green Face may need some real talk from your child:

• “Mr. Green Face, that’s not true!  You’re just making scary things up.”
• “Mr. Green Face, it’s time to go.  I don’t want you here right now.  You’re just making a lot of noise and I can’t have fun with you chattering away like this.”
• “Mr. Green Face, leave!  You’re saying things that aren’t true.  Get lost!”

Mr. Green Face may literally need to be shown the door.  Your child can imagine opening a door, and with a sweep of their arm, showing Mr. Green Face out.  If Mr. Green Face is refusing to leave, your child can imagine getting behind Mr. Green Face and giving him a swift kick in the butt, and then watch him fly through the air, out of view.

At other times, your child might show Mr. Green Face a little compassion.  As I said, Mr. Green Face isn’t necessarily trying to hurt anyone by being so loud and annoying and sticking around for too long.  Your child might also say to Mr. Green Face something like this:

“Mr. Green Face, I don’t know what you’re scared of, but it’s time to quiet down.  I have stuff I want to do and you’re making it hard.  If you’re trying to protect me from something, I want you to know that I’m okay.  If something bad happens, I know what to do or who can help me.  Thank you for making sure I’m okay. I really am. (Now, shhh!)”

There can be value in both ways of talking to Mr. Green Face.  They are two different ways that your child can look at their worries as something separate from who they are and take some control over it.  But starting with some real talk – telling Mr. Green Face that you’ve had enough and it’s time to leave! – is usually a good place to start.  Mr. Green Face needs to know your child means business.

Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll be writing in with other strategies parents can use with their kids who are struggling with anxiety.  The strategy of externalization that we talked about here, and the others to follow, are all principles associated with cognitive-behavioral therapy, an effective treatment for kids (and parents…) who worry a lot.

Until then, stay well, everyone.