Understanding Internal Family Systems: A Gentle Path to Healing for Children and Adults

When we think about healing from anxiety, trauma, depression, or emotional overwhelm, most of us picture talking through problems or learning new coping skills. To be sure, these are important steps. But what if the most powerful healing comes not from fixing ourselves—but from getting to know the parts within us that have been trying to help all along?

This is the central idea behind Internal Family Systems (IFS), a transformative, evidence-based therapeutic model that I often use in my work with both children and adults. Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS is built on a simple but profound truth: we are not a single, unified self, but rather a system of parts—each with its own feelings, perspectives, and roles.

What Are “Parts” and Why Do They Matter?

We all have different "parts" inside of us. You might notice a part that gets anxious before a big meeting. Another part that criticizes you after a mistake. A part that wants to avoid difficult conversations, and another that feels sad and small.

In IFS, we welcome these parts with curiosity and compassion. None of them are “bad.” In fact, every part—even the ones that cause distress—has a protective purpose. They’re often trying to shield us from pain we’ve experienced in the past. When we learn to listen to these parts instead of pushing them away, deep healing becomes possible.

Why IFS Is So Effective—For Both Kids and Adults

One of the things I love most about IFS is how adaptable and intuitive it is. Whether I'm working with a seven-year-old who’s overwhelmed by big feelings, or an adult who’s spent years stuck in patterns of self-doubt, the model offers a nonjudgmental space to safely explore inner experiences.

Here’s why IFS is particularly helpful across the lifespan:

1. It honors the whole person.

IFS doesn't pathologize. It doesn’t treat behaviors as problems to eliminate, but rather as expressions of inner parts doing their best. For children, this can reduce shame and increase emotional literacy. For adults, it often brings a sense of relief—finally, there's a way to understand why they feel the way they do.

2. It builds self-compassion.

Many people come to therapy caught in internal conflict. IFS helps them find their Self—the calm, wise, compassionate core of who they are. From this place, healing isn’t forced—it’s guided gently, internally. Children often connect to their Self through creative means like drawing or storytelling or playing. Adults, too, rediscover the quiet strength they’ve always carried.

3. It addresses trauma without re-traumatization.

IFS allows us to approach painful memories in a respectful, titrated way. Instead of diving headfirst into trauma, we work with the protective parts first—earning trust, creating safety, and building resilience. This is especially powerful for clients with complex trauma histories.

4. It empowers rather than diagnoses.

For both kids and adults, feeling like the “expert” of their own system can be incredibly empowering. They begin to lead their own healing process. This autonomy is often missing in traditional therapy models, especially for young people.

A Real-Life Example (Shared with Permission)

One young client, age 10, came to me struggling with explosive anger. In school, he was labeled “disruptive.” But through IFS, we discovered a part of him that was terrified of being ignored—an echo of early attachment ruptures. Once that part was heard and understood, the anger softened. He began to speak from a calm place, and even developed language to talk about his parts with his parents.

Adults have similar experiences—finally understanding why they overachieve, withdraw, or feel stuck in cycles of shame. The relief that follows is often profound.

A Compassionate Invitation

Whether you’re a parent seeking support for your child, or someone navigating your own emotional landscape, Internal Family Systems offers a powerful invitation: to meet yourself with curiosity instead of judgment, and to discover that healing is not about becoming someone new—it’s about coming home to who you truly are.