No, you are not breaking your child right now.

Posted: May 6, 2020

This is not what we had envisioned for our kids.

They’re not supposed to be on screens this much.
They’re supposed to be playing team sports right now, getting tons of exercise and fresh air.
They’re supposed to be learning, getting prepared for what’s to come next year.
They’re supposedto be hanging out with their friends (you know, in-person).

This is also not what we had envisioned for ourselves, as parents.

We’re not supposed to be so obviously anxious.
We’re not supposed to snap so much.
We’re not supposed to be so impatient.
And, did I mention they’re not supposed to be on screens this much?
We’re not supposed to be this distracted.

And then, COVID-19 happened. They are on screens this much. They’re not playing team sports, but we’re trying to get them outside to play or to take family walks. Teachers are doing the very best they can to teach from a distance, but it’s not the same. FaceTime, Zoom, and social gaming with headphones on: it’s what we can offer, but it’s not the same as really being with your friends.

And then there’s us, their parents. We’re distracted, maybe a little (or a lot) anxious, and tired, and maybe a little (or a lot) impatient. Some of us came out of the gate strong, with a daily schedule in hand, ready to assume our new role of home-schooler, with a list of fresh new recipes to try out – all while making sure we keep up with our own jobs, or other responsibilities we have outside the parenting role. Many of us… not so much. We’ve struggled since Day One of this to figure how to help multiple children at different developmental stages manage distance learning while doing our own jobs while managing the “Open 24 Hours!” diner we now run out of the kitchen. And let’s face it: even those of us who started off strong are quickly running out of steam.

So, we can’t help but wonder: are we breaking our children right now?

In short, no. Because the list of things our kids need right now – the things they really, really need – is actually a pretty short list.

#1. Show your kids that you honor the truth of their experience at this moment.

Kids are feeling so many things right now:

Boredom
Socially isolated
The feeling of having pent-up energy
Worried about their health and the health of their family
Confused by all of the COVID-19 information swirling around them
Anxious about stress they may be picking up in their family
Sad and/or angry about events they were looking forward to that have had to be canceled

These feelings are going to shapeshift into any number of forms: sullenness, tantrums, back-talk, reverting back to “old” behaviors that you know your child has grown out of. Your job, then, is to let your child know that you see them, that you see that they’re feeling something hard and that there is truth to their emotional experience.

Let’s be honest: many adults struggle to “use their words” when they’re feeling a difficult emotion (even when there’s not a pandemic…), so we want to have reasonable expectations of our children and their capacity to name their feelings, rather than acting them out all over the place. Validating your child’s emotional experience goes a long way to teaching your child how to “use their words.” It’s a great way to teach empathy, to show what it looks like when one person can see another person struggling and understand where they’re coming from.

What does validation sound like?

Instead of...

“I know you’re bored, but you can’t do that/say that/act like that…”
“We shouldn’t complain about there being no summer vacation. We’re lucky. Lots of people are very sick right now.”
“Dad and I are just stressed right now. We’re fine.”

Validate your child’s emotional experience by saying…

“I know you’re bored. You’re used to doing so many things. This has to be hard for you.”
“I am sad and frustrated about our summer vacation, too. I was looking forward to getting away and spending extra time with you.”
“You’re seeing that Dad and I are stressed right now. We’re not handling it so great, huh? I’m sure it makes you feel stressed, too.”

Validating your child’s emotional experience does not mean letting your child manifest their emotions any way they choose. I’ll be writing again soon about ways to help guide your children toward desirable, age-appropriate behavior. But responding to your child’s emotional displays in a way that is validating, rather than dismissive, serves as a much-needed pressure release for your child.

#2. Make life predictable.

You’ve heard it before: kids crave structure and routine. When kids know what to expect from their day, they can more easily be in the moment, without worry about what’s coming next. So, make life predictable for your child as best you can. This doesn’t mean an hour-by-hour schedule, posted to the refrigerator door (trust me; when this thing first started, I went there). There’s a “good enough” middle ground between an unrealistic, hour-by-hour schedule and no predictability in the day whatsoever. Take a look at this sample schedule:

Wake up time is at ______ Monday through Friday. Choose whatever time makes good sense for your child and for you, if you’re taking advantage of early morning hours to work in peace.
After breakfast: school stuff.
Consider making lunch “screen-free,” unless your child is using a screen to talk to someone.
After lunch, finish school if there’s still more to do.
Get some air outside.
Free playtime. This could be when kids can play video games if that’s where they’re at, or maybe watch a movie or some TV shows. This could also be a time when kids FaceTime with family or friends.
Dinner
Clean up from the day (their stuff and their bodies)
“Easy time” with parents. This could be playing a game together, or reading a book together, or watching a family TV show. Whatever it is, it should be stress-free.
Bedtime

The goal is to establish a regular cadence for the day, as well as to set up expectations for your kids that mirror what would otherwise exist in a non-pandemic world: work generally comes before play. Once the school work is done, the day can open up for them. Of course, the amount of “work” each child has on a given day varies wildly. Two of my kids get about 4 hours of schoolwork a day, on average. My oldest child gets 2 or 3 hours of work each day, tops. Less school work generally translates into more free time, which – let’s face it – just becomes more screen time.

So, about that: this recent piece from The New York Times is worth giving a read. The authors, one an associate professor at the University of Oxford and a member of the Academy of Medical Sciences, the other a psychologist, say the following:

Unless the kids you’re responsible for start wandering around tables wearing VR headsets, we ought not panic about their screen time in the coming weeks. The available science shows there isn’t a firm “right” amount, and that more active forms of screen time, like cooperative and team-oriented video games, can actually have positive effects on our mental well-being.

#3. Connect, connect, connect.

You are your child’s safe place. It is because of your child’s secure attachment to you that your child can go out into the world, explore their environment, take (appropriate) risks, make mistakes, rinse, and repeat. Your child doesn’t need you to physically be there while they’re doing all of this exploring of the world. On the contrary, your child needs the space to go out there and check out their environment on their own, or with their peers, or with the guidance of teachers. But your child does need regular points of connection with you throughout the day to reinforce for them that you’re there, that you’re keeping track, that you see them trying – and, of course, to help them manage the fallout when things don’t go according to plan.

I say “Connect, connect, connect” – three times – on purpose. There are three points during the day when it is particularly important to establish a real, felt connection with your child, even if it’s just for 10 minutes: at the very start of the day, at the point of major transition during the day, and at the very end of the day. These are the points of the day when kids often feel the most vulnerable: when they’re still shaking off sleep and getting oriented to the day in front of them; when it’s time to shift from one big activity to another (and perhaps they don’t really want to…), and when they’re tired at the end of the day, maybe with their usual defenses down. We tend to think that “more is better” when it comes to spending time with our kids, but research has shown that it’s quality, not quantity, that matters. Target these three times during the day, commit to spending a few minutes of quality time at those moments, and you’ll be doing a lot to reinforce the fundamental bond between you and your child.

In sum, no, you’re not breaking your child right now. Honor their experience, make the world as predictable a place as you can, and find just a few minutes for true connection with your child each day. Your child will weather this storm.