What’s mine is… yours? FAQ’s about passing on anxiety to your child

Posted: August 18, 2020

Whether you’re just experiencing significant anxiety for the first time now since COVID-19 came along or you’ve lived with anxiety for a long time, you may have wondered (perhaps even felt anxious about…) if it’s inevitable that you’ll pass your relationship with anxiety on to your child. It’s a valid concern. As anxiety sufferers know, the experience of an anxiety disorder – the intrusive thoughts, the discomfort in the gut, that internal feeling of emergency, the way it messes with your sleep, the sheer persistence of it all – can be pretty rough. Of all the things a parent wants to share with a child, their struggle with anxiety is not usually one of them.

So, let’s break it down with some FAQ’s:

So, is it inevitable that I’m going to pass my anxiety disorder on to my child?

No, it’s not inevitable – but your child does have a higher risk of struggling with anxiety if you struggle with anxiety. According to the research, anxiety disorders are “moderately heritable,” or transmissible from parent to child simply through their genes. What that means is that there is a chance that the child of a parent with an anxiety disorder may develop their own anxiety disorder no matter how well they are parented. However, the research in this area is also very clear that more often, kids will pick up anxious behaviors from their anxious parents.

Of course, no parent would deliberately choose to teach their child how to be anxious. So, what is happening, then?

Your child hears or overhears anxious talk. Kids have this thing they do, where they don’t listen when you ask them six times to put their shoes on, but they do listen when you’re talking to a friend on the phone or to your partner at home about how anxious you’re feeling, be it about an upcoming project at work, something to do with your children’s health or education, your finances, or some other topic that’s got your worry gears in overdrive. Unfortunately, kids don’t yet have the capability to fully process what they are hearing when they’re listening to adults talking to each other, so they fill in the gaps of their understanding on their own. What this often means is that your child may hear your anxious talk and take it as a signal for how they, too, should think about the world. Because you are the person they look to for guidance -- you’re the person they trust the most -- they are going to put extra weight into the things they hear from you, whether they’re hearing it directly from you or indirectly, by listening to what you say to others.
Your child observes what’s called “avoidance behavior.” If you struggle with anxiety, you may engage in what is known as “avoidance behavior,” which is exactly what it sounds like: the avoidance of different places, people, events, or situations as a way to dial down anxious thoughts and feelings. You may avoid going to schoolwide events with your child because larger social events trigger your social anxiety, or you may avoid amusement parks because of anxiety about germs. You may avoid walks in the park because you were bit by a dog when you were a child. Because part of how we make sense of the world is by grouping similar situations together, what your child may come to determine is that all larger social events are scary, or all potentially crowded public spaces (not just amusement parks) are unsafe, that all parks (or dogs) are dangerous.
Your child experiences what’s called “shielding behavior.” This can be a big one for parents who struggle with anxiety. Shielding behaviors involve attempts to protect children from any potential danger or harm. Parents engaging in shielding behaviors are constantly giving their children directions: don’t touch, slow down, stay close, don’t climb so high. These are directions that go well above and beyond; they are excessive in their intensity (your tone of voice) and their frequency (how often the directions are given). Anxious parents who engage in this kind of shielding behavior will do so with children who have aged out of needing this type of heavy protection.

How will I know if my child is struggling with anxiety? Aren’t we all struggling with anxiety right now, anyway? How will I know if it’s a problem?

You’ll know your child is struggling with anxiety when it begins to interfere with his ability to engage with the world. Of course, right now we are all experiencing a major interference in our ability to engage with the world; COVID-19 has upended just about every facet of life. At the same time, you may have noticed – either now or prior to the pandemic – that your child has worries that are unrealistic or out of proportion to the situation, or that they have begun avoiding reasonable activities out of an outsized fear of what might happen.

For example, it is normal right now for children to worry about COVID-19 and the possibility that they or someone they love will get sick. It’s another thing, though, if your child insists on showering several times a day out of fear of having been contaminated, or if hand-washing has become so frequent and intense that the skin on their hands has become raw, or if they become highly agitated by the thought of walking outside with you, even while wearing a mask and maintaining a 6’ distance between themselves and anyone outside of their family.

There are a couple of other behaviors you’ll want to be on the lookout for if you’re concerned your child may be struggling more than necessary. Take note if their worries won’t quit, no matter how much time you spend reassuring them. Of course, kids need reassurance from their parents even in the absence of a pandemic. It’s absolutely part of the job. But when their need for reassurance feels excessive, and when the reassurance – no matter how many times you offer it – doesn’t seem to calm your child down, it’s worth noticing. Lastly, if your child complains about their worrying -- if it’s bothering them and they feel like they can’t control it – that’s a sign that their anxiety is getting too big.

Some of that sounds like my child. What do I do?

First – and this is especially important if you are someone who struggles with anxiety yourself – do not make this another thing you feel anxious about. If your child needs help, help is out there. Your child can learn skills to help them better tolerate uncertainty, to manage stressful situations, and to correct thinking patterns that aren’t serving them.

And, of course, the same applies to you. If you are concerned about your own anxiety level, or that your child may be picking up on anxious cues that you may be sending without even realizing it, talk to someone who can help. Perhaps the single best thing an anxious parent can do for their anxious child is to get themselves the support they need. It’ll give you the tools you need to model appropriate responses to stress and distress, which will go a really long way in helping your child develop those skills, too. And… don’t you deserve to feel better, too?