Spotlight on Anxiety, Parents’ Edition: The Worried Kid’s Guide for Parents
It can be frustrating for parents of children who worry a lot, who struggle with anxiety. As I’ve written elsewhere, our go-to reassurances as parents often don’t work at quieting a child’s anxious mind. In fact, it can sometimes make a child’s worrying kick up a notch, a dynamic that can leave parents feeling ineffectual at helping their worrying child and can leave worrying kids feeling like they’ve disappointed their parents.
So, what are parents of worried kids supposed to do?
Well, let’s look at what parents commonly say to their worrying child, and how their child might be interpreting those well-intentioned responses. Then let’s identify what else parents can say or do in the moment that might help them help their worrying child.
When you say, “Everything’s going to be okay – I promise!”
Your anxious child thinks, “I wish my mom could understand: I don’t think everything IS actually going to be okay. My mind is telling me to worry and my body feels worried, too. My heart is beating really fast and my hands feel clammy. My stomach kind of hurts and it feels like I have butterflies in there – but not the good kind. I know my mom wants me to feel better, but I don’t know how to do that.
What might help instead? Help your child settle their body and their mind. Remember, anxiety activates the nervous system. It sets off the body’s alarm system, preparing it for fight-or-flight. It involves a host of physiological shifts that make it almost impossible for your child to think clearly or take in your assurances. So, start by helping to calm their overactive nervous system. There are breathing and other mindfulness-related exercises that can help redirect your child’s attention from the danger their mind perceives to the reality that in this moment they are safe. Also, when you teach your child how to settle their body and their mind you are giving them tools they can take with them when they’re out in the world, when you’re not right there to offer reassurance.
When you say, “I can explain to you why you don’t have to worry.”
Your anxious child thinks, “I am feeling too much right now to listen to what you’re trying to say. All I can see is the thoughts in my head, and the way my body feels makes me think those worried thoughts are really true. I want to be able to focus on what you’re saying, but I can’t.”
What might help instead? Do the opposite by validating your child’s emotional experience at that moment. If your child is feeling a lot of anxiety about an upcoming situation, let them know you understand that emotion – that you’ve felt it before. Let them hear from you that you get it: that you see their struggle, that you hear what they’re trying to say to you, and that you’ve felt feelings like that before. It is a huge gift to let someone know that you truly see them, and without judgment.
When you say, “Enough worrying! Just stop!”
Your anxious child thinks, “I know I’m frustrating you – that I’m letting you down. I don’t like my worrying any more than you do. If I knew how to stop, I would.”
What might help instead? First, learn what you can about anxiety – and childhood anxiety. There are some great, reader-friendly resources out there, like this one, this one, and this one. Learn what it feels like for a child who struggles with anxiety or excessive worrying – what it feels like in their physical body, emotionally, and what it does to their ability to think and reason. Then, set aside time to talk with your child about what you’ve learned. Doing this does two great things for your child. It signals to your child how much you care about their experience that you went out and learned all that you could about it because you know it’s serious and real for them. It also helps give you and your child a common language to use when anxiety rears its head.