To my parents: A child's letter to their parents during COVID... and their parents' reply
This letter from a child is an amalgam of the stories I’ve been hearing from parents and kids about the toll life during COVID has taken on children, particularly later elementary and middle school kids. My hope in writing this is to give voice to some of the thoughts and feelings kids are managing right now, and to link those thoughts and feelings to the behaviors that often follow. It might resonate with some parents out there - and some kids, too.
The second letter (the parents’ response) can be thought of as a template for conversations parents may want to initiate - or, perhaps, continue - with their struggling kids. The main idea is to validate, validate, validate. Let your child hear from you the extent to which you “get it,” that you respect their unique experience in the world at this really challenging time, and that you can help them figure out how to manage all of the emotional messiness that’s part and parcel of this moment.
Dear Parent(s)*,
I’m sorry for the way I acted last night. I shouldn’t have snapped at you guys.
I guess I should also apologize for how I acted this morning, too. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful by ignoring you. I just wasn’t in the mood to talk – at all.
I’m still figuring out how to “use my words,” as you like to say, when I’m really frustrated or angry. (Let’s be honest: sometimes, so are you.). I don’t know if you really understand what I’m going through right now – what this has been like for me. Maybe this letter will help.
This really, really sucks. I know it sucks for you, too. I know it sucks worse for other people. I know I’m supposed to feel grateful – and I am grateful, really. I’m grateful that we’re all healthy still, and that we have food to eat and a nice place to live. I’m grateful that Mom still has her job. I get it: we’re doing okay.
I know you’re trying to help me feel better when you point out how “lucky” we actually are. Sometimes it works, but most of the time I’m not feeling lucky at all.
Most of the time, I feel worried. You guys say that even though Dad lost his job, “everything will be fine,” but I don’t understand how that can be. I get that we get health insurance through Mom’s job, but still: don’t we need the money from Dad’s job?
I’m worried that we won’t go back to school in the fall. I’m going into 8th grade next year, and I don’t understand how I’ll be ready for high school if I can’t have normal school this year. I know I got good grades during remote learning, but I think it’s more because the teachers didn’t feel like they could be tough with grading, and not because I really learned anything.
And, I’m worried that even if we do go back to school, I won’t get to be with my friends. There’s no way they’re going to let the whole grade go back to school together. What if my friends all get to go on the same day, but I have to go on a different day?
I also feel lonely a lot of the time. I miss being with my friends. I know you see me on my phone and you think I’m connecting with my friends, and I guess I am a little bit, but it’s not the same. When I’m on my phone I see that a lot of my friends are hanging out together. They’re not being unsafe or whatever, but they’re hanging out. I get it: we need to be able to see Nana and Papa, so we all have to be extra cautious. I want to see Nana and Papa, too. I don’t want to get them sick. But that doesn’t really change the fact that I’m feeling left behind.
And when I think too hard about how lonely I feel it kind of makes me mad. Obviously, I know COVID is not your fault. But I feel so angry sometimes, it’s like I have to get it out somehow, and I guess I take it out on you guys. I know the rules you’re making me follow are to protect all of us and Nana and Papa. I know kids my age have a hard time staying socially distant and keeping their masks on, and that’s why you want to make sure there’s always an adult around to supervise me and my friends if we get together. It’s just that it makes it hard for me to hang out with my friends at all. And so, yeah: I guess I’m mad at you guys a little bit. I don’t think you remember what it’s like to be my age – how important it is to be with my friends.
I know this is hard for everyone. Really, I know. But sometimes this all feels so frustrating to me, it’s like I feel like I might explode, and then other times I just kind of give up, I guess, and don’t feel like doing anything at all. Either way, we wind up fighting: either I’m being too disrespectful or mouthy to you because I’m mad, or you’re frustrated seeing me laying around the house because I’m just not in the mood to make the effort.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not trying to make you upset at me. I know that’s what keeps happening, but that’s not what I’m trying to do. I hope this letter helps you see where I’m coming from. Everything is hard enough right now. If we could stop fighting it might help a little.
Love,
Me
Sweetheart,
Thank you for your letter. We can’t begin to tell you how helpful it was for us to read that. We assumed we understood what this has been like for you, but we haven’t really appreciated what you’ve been going through.
The one big thing we want to say is, we hear you. And, you’re right: this really does suck.
Turns out you’re right about a lot of things, actually. You’re right that when we focus on how “lucky” we are, our intention is to help you feel less bad about your experience. But your experience is all you know. We don’t want you to feel like you can’t express your true feelings about COVID, about the ways your world has been turned upside down. We’re sorry if we made you feel like we would only accept “look-on-the-bright-side” feelings. That’s not fair to you.
If we were you, we would feel worried, too. Between your Dad losing his job, and all of the uncertainty around school… there’s got to be a lot on your mind. But listen: we ARE going to be okay. We don’t usually talk about our finances with you, but please know that we have done a good job saving money, in large part to make sure that if something like this ever happened (one of us losing our jobs), we would be okay. So, we understand why you’re worried about Dad losing his job, but you don’t have to worry. We promise.
We know you think we’re dinosaurs, and can’t relate to “your generation,” as you like to say, but when we were your age, what mattered the most to us is the same thing that matters the most to you: our friends. At your age, you should be with your friends: exploring, goofing off, sharing secrets, swimming at the pool, having sleepovers. And you can’t really do so much of that right now. We know your friends are doing some of that – and, yes: we know they’re doing their best to follow the rules about social distancing and wearing masks and everything. We’ve just been so focused on making sure we can see Nana and Papa. They’re older, and you know Papa takes that medication that makes it easy for him to get sick. But we hear what you’re saying: you know all of that, and you love Papa and want to protect him, too.
And, you’re suffering.
We don’t like fighting with you – and we know you don’t like it either. As parents, we’re trying to keep things as normal as we can, wherever we can, because so much is not normal right now. So, we’ve been trying to keep our usual rules in place about back-talk and not ignoring your parents. But you are managing a lot right now – more than we’ve given you credit for. Sometimes you cope just fine – even better than fine. We need to do a better job at seeing that, because that’s probably not so easy for you to do. And, yes: sometimes it’s hard to control all of the feelings you’ve got going at any given moment. We can’t tell you that we’re always going to let the back-talk go, or that we’re going to let the ignoring pass, but we can tell you that we’re going to try and see things from your perspective more than we have been.
If you’re up for it, we’d love to talk with you after dinner tonight to think about how we might find some kind of compromise. Once the warm weather goes away it might be even harder for you and your friends to see each other in person, so let’s see what we can figure out for the next few months. And let’s talk about what we can do when it all feels like too much.
We love you. We’re on your side. Let’s talk later.
Love,
Us
(* “Mom” and “Dad” are referenced here, but of course, “parents” come in many beautiful forms: Mom and Mom, Dad and Dad, Grandma, just Mom, just Dad…)
A word from Dr. Feldman...
If your child (or you...) could use some additional support right now, please reach out. In coming weeks, I’ll be posting additional resources for parents to help manage some of the big emotions and challenging behaviors kids may be displaying more than usual these days.
Until then, take care and stay safe.