The chicken or the egg: On the relationship between what we do and how we feel

Posted: February 16, 2021

One of the basic tenets of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is the notion that what we do affects how we feel, and vice versa: how we feel affects what we do.

Of course, CBT is also very concerned with thoughts, which also affect how we feel and what we do. But here, I’m going to focus on just one aspect of the “CBT triangle”: the bi-directional relationship between feelings and behavior.

Let’s start with how you’re feeling – or, if you’re reading this because of concerns you have about your child, think about how your child is feeling.

If the dominant feelings include such feelings as…

Sadness (maybe even depression)
Tiredness
Anxiety/worry
Feeling keyed up
Loneliness
Irritability
Distress
Anger

… it is probably a good idea to take inventory of how you (or your child) are spending their time:

In bed a lot, or otherwise lounging around?
Staying in pajamas all day?
Hyper-connected to tech, especially apps like TikTok or other social media?
Napping?
Binge-watching TV?
Gaming for hours and hours (and hours) on end?
Staying in just one room (i.e., a bedroom) most of the day?
Going down one Internet rabbit hole after another?

Listen: no judgments here. COVID has just about crippled our ability to safely do most of the things we used to do – the things our kids used to do, too. And the truth is, it’s okay to binge-watch a show, or to take naps, or to take a pajama day… sometimes. Where we want to take note is when these activities become the dominant activities: when they occur on a regular basis, rather than every once in a while. It becomes even more important to pay attention to how much of these kinds of activities we (or our child) are doing when our mood (or our child’s mood) is concerning, on more days than not.

It can be interesting to contemplate which came first: the chicken (the distressed feelings/negative mood) or the egg (the specific behaviors). At some point, though, the negative mood and the associated behaviors simply serve to reinforce each other, and the question of “which came first” becomes something of a moot point. The real question becomes, what are you going to do now?

A key feature of CBT involves performing behavioral experiments. The underlying thinking of any behavioral experiment follows the same basic template:

I observe that… some problem exists.
I think it’s (at least partly) because… of a set of drivers/factors/reasons.
So I plan to… do something – apply some kind of intervention – that speaks directly to those drivers/factors/reasons.
Which I think will result in… some amount of change in the problem identified above.

Let’s apply this template to the mood/behavior issues we’ve been discussing so far:

I observe that my mood (or my child’s mood) is poor. I am (or my child is) irritable a lot, or anxious, or sad, or always tired, or… (you name it).

I think it’s (at least partly) because of how I am (or my child is) spending time. When I take inventory of how the day is being spent, I see a lot of… (you name it: maybe it’s excessive gaming, or near-constant connection to the phone or laptop, or hours in front of the TV, etc.).

So, I plan to change up the routine and bring in some other activities that bring me (or my child) some pleasure. It could something like:

Baking something with a family member
Soaking in the tub and reading a magazine (this can be great for kids, too!)
Committing to taking a walk around the block (or maybe more than just around the block…) once a day for 30 days.
Making something for someone else who is having a hard time
Enjoying an indulgent mug of hot chocolate with someone in the family while playing a simple game, like cards or checkers or chess.
Start a creativity challenge. This can go for anyone – not just for people who identify as artists!
- Origami! YouTube is filled with easy-to-follow videos. This is great for people of all ages. A nice benefit to origami is that it requires mindful focus, so it helps to distract an overactive mind for a little while. Pick a shelf in the house (or the mantle if you have one) to display your work. See how much you can create in 30 days.
- Master the art of piping (applying icing to cakes or cupcakes in an artful way). Give your practice creations away to neighbors or friends who could use a treat.
- Play an instrument? Pick just one song you want to learn on an instrument, and practice for just 15 minutes each day. See how far you get in 30 days.

Which I think will result in some amount of improvement in my mood. I will feel less irritable, less anxious, less sad, less tired, etc.

Simply, it is much easier to alter our moods by altering our behavior than it is to alter our behavior by altering our moods. It is often much easier to alter our moods by altering our behavior than it is to alter our moods by altering our thoughts. That’s why we start with behaviors as a way to move the needle on a persistently negative mood. Furthermore, what we often find is that little changes in behavior may lead to little shifts in mood, which then allow for additional changes in behavior which may lead to additional shifts in mood… and so on and so forth. Change begets more change. The big leap we’re looking to make (or that we think our child needs to make) often is simply the result of a lot of tiny steps forward.

Lastly, if your mood — or your child’s mood — feels stuck and you just can’t seem to get any traction, getting some professional help might be a good idea. Most therapists will give you a chance to talk through your concerns before any formal treatment begins, so you can make sure therapy is the right next step and that the person you’re talking to is the right fit for you or your child.